Volcano Chicken Noodle Ramen Review
By guest writer Scotty Leonard
It’s that time of year again, folks. It’s chicken noodle soup season (ie, middle of summer). And we all know, the local Asian supermarket in the heart of Albuquerque, New Mexico, is the best place to purchase chicken noodle soup.
After perusing the aisles, I spotted it. My favorite ramen dining experience in recent memory. Volcano Chicken Noodle Ramen. I also grabbed some Mexican pomegranate aloe drink in case things get too hot.
I took it home and started the boiling the water. I’ve had this before, but I remember it being called Polynesian Volcano last time. I sure hope this is the right one.
I threw the ramen into the water and it boiled very evenly. Maybe I had a little too much water boiling, because it spilled over the shallow sides of my saucepan. Nonetheless, any mess incurred by this cooking extravaganza will be worth it once I’m throwing up blood, eyes tsunamis of tears.
Next, as per instructions, I boiled the noodles for 3.5 minutes before pouring most of the water out and pouring in the hot sauce. This must be where the ramen gets its flavor.
I cooked that for another 30 seconds before turning off the heat and adding the pepper flakes. I then cooked it a little longer to evaporate as much of the not-as-spicy water so I could have a majority of just extra spicy sauce. You’ll find out later that this was a positively fantastic idea.
And here we are, with the noodles in a bowl (how fancy!) paired with a delicious bottle of Pomegranate Aloe Beverage. The height of class.
I shall now narrate what happened on a bite-by-bite basis.
Bite 1: Sure, it’s a little spicy. But I’m not tasting a volcano. Also, it has a nice chicken-y flavor, almost like it’s chicken noodle ramen or something. Strange.
Bite 2: Yeah, it’s pretty hot. I can feel the oils of the chile sitting in the back of my throat, tempting me to plunge further before I take a sip of that delicious, cold Aloe.
Bite 3: This is pretty spicy, but the temperature is the hottest part of this experience at the moment. I’m starting to feel sweat beading up around my forehead and behind my ears.
Bites 4-7: I’m really enjoying this gooey sauce. It’s absolutely fantastic how the smell wafting up through my throat is putting me into a sneezing fit that sounds like a seal being slammed against a rock. Sweat has begun to pour down my face. My nose is streaming boogers as I begin to see spots. This is exactly what I paid $1.09 for.
Bites 8 and 9: My lips are raw and are feeling chapped due to the heat. The flavor would probably be very tasty, but my tastebuds are seared off due to the still too-high temperature. I can still taste the spicy flavor through all the heat, and I tell you, this is a fantastic experience. My vision is beginning to get tracers as I move my eyes. Please note that I ain’t no bitch, and I still haven’t had a single sip of that delicious aloe pomegranate that’s tempting my watering eyes.
Bites 10-15: I’m really starting to appreciate those little black flakes I added at the end. Their crunch is really adding to the already diverse texture. Also there is actual beads of sweat streaming down my face and neck. STILL NO ALOE BABY!
Bites 16-20: OKAY NOW THIS IS PAINFUL
The rest of the bowl: Has it been raining inside or is that just my sweat pouring down my face as I shove the last bits down my pie-hole? My endorphins are rushing, my ears are ringing, and I feel like a new man as I plunge through the remaining noodles of this fantastic and catastrophic creation.
This has been one of my favorite dining experiences. It’s visceral, it filled my belly, and it’s going to guarantee that I have the most insane dreams of recent memory as I try to sleep tonight. The only downside is that I know that if I don’t drink this aloe drink soon, I will have one chapped asshole as I take my morning shit at work tomorrow, and my coworkers will be uncomfortably aware of how terribly I’ve been treating my body as of late.
Thank you for joining me on this culinary adventure, and if the good people at kingandqueensbeansandthings.com decide to bring me back, I’ll have more spicy food reviews ready for your entertainment and my pain.
NOTE: At the time of publication, I have no feeling in my lips or tongue. This is exactly what I was hoping for.
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